Sister-In-Law's teacher

My sister-in-law...let's say her name rhymes with [stricken from the record], is currently working on her Doctorate in Applied Theoretical Rocket Surgery, and is required to take a certain class for the curriculum. This class is being "taught" by an instructor who apparently believes that the only way to learn something is to be forced to inundate oneself in every conceivable nuance of the material from every perspective imaginable for 23 hours and 59 minutes of every day, neglecting one's kids and food and water and everything else just to write yet another essay on who oughtta play Rosencrantz and who oughtta play Guildenstern if good ol' Willie Shagspeak's play about the Danish Prince was to get itself made into yet another movie.

My advice to you, so-called "teacher" at Harvard-On-The-Highway...try another method. If you can't find a way to generate a little enthusiasm for one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written, without resorting to total immersion, then perhaps the failing is yours. Give 'em a break, you bitch.

Get thee to my turd-flush!

You first, asshole.

Tim Graham reported on Newsbusters that Bill Maher's plan for economic recovery would be to legalize marijuana and execute evil rich people. I say that we should execute evil rich potsmokers like Maher.

One one hand, I appreciate HBO for some of the mini-series it has produced and delivered: Band of Brothers, Rome, The Sopranos. But, I can't abide the fact that this guy has a vehicle for spewing his hatred of America. I keep wanting to cancel or boycott HBO for running his program, but then along comes Taking Chance. Note: I watched that movie last night, and thought it was great, but wondered if HBO would've aired it if it more-patriotically publicized the worthiness of PFC Phelps' sacrifice.

Seriously, though, how about a show of hands? Would anybody miss this guy? I could get on board with his idea if we start by executing him. And I'd pay to see it.

Damn you, Bill Maher.

Sidney "Butterball" Lowe

Generally, the Flush-O-Grams go out regarding the recently past actions of some human weed. This one, though, is extended sewage-pipe-wise to someone about to do something.

Before you get all Gee, he's like Nostradamus...

I've just noticed it before, so I kinda know what to expect.

Tonight's UNC/NCSU game will be played in the Smith Center. Sindy Lowe (misspelling intentional) and his players are such babies, that they'll bring their own red chairs to sit on because their tender little tushies might get chafed sitting on a blue chair. I am not kidding. Look closely during the timeouts.

Aforementioned Lowe may also wear his Red Jacket, because it is so intimidating to Carolina fans and their team. Honestly, I find myself so terrified when watching him transformed from mediocre ...to... mediocre-but-with-red-jacket, simply by putting on a red jacket, that I yell "RED JACKET!" tauntingly at the television.

Ka-whoosh...comin' at ya, Sindy.

Michael Moore, please die a horrible death as soon as possible

This is what you get if you combine the DNA from a slug trail and the exhumed remains of Hitler in some kind of cloning "what if?" experiment-gone-awry.

Wouldn't it be fun to drape this guy over a bed of fire ants, drive tent stakes through his hands and feet, record time-lapsed photography of the ensuing carnage, and market the film as the latest in the Scared Straight series?

Yeah, well, it may be fun. But, what if those same fire ants passed on genetic material to next-generation fire ants, who took on some of the charteristics of Michael Moore? Hard to imagine something more sinister than fire ants, until you consider how life would be to have thousands of little Michael Moores infesting your backyard.

This is maybe the number one America Hater out there.

And he gets today's Flush-O-Gram.

Get out, cheaters!

Today is the 1st day of MLB's Spring Training. Underscoring the League's growing irrelevance is this guy, and the League's treatment of him.

This past week, we heard his confession that he took steroids for a brief portion of his career, the implication being that that was way back when. He claimed, in an interview with Peter Gammons, that it was mostly "the culture" then (the time when he was a Texas Ranger) and that he felt like he was under a lot of pressure to perform having been given a huge contract.

Uh, bullshit. A-roid, you lied about cheating until you were exposed.

You felt huge pressure to cheat. Not because of your pretend committment to satisfy your fans, but to satisfy your greed for dollars and fame.

Major League Baseball is complicit in your guilt, because they willingly looked the other way regarding testing and accountability for drugs. They had a product that folks didn't want so much any more. Why? Striking ball-players who already made more money each season than most fans would see in their lifetimes. What'll bring 'em back? Home runs, that's what. Big offensive production equals excitement. And the fans will forget their distaste if we repackage the product as a sportier, new & improved model.

Yes, MLB is partly to blame. But that doesn't exonerate you, asshole. The only way professional baseball will ever truly win me back as a fan is the day they begin cutting cheaters out of the picture. That means banishment. And I mean every last one of you, even if I liked you once. Certainly that includes the Barry Bonds, Mark McGuires, Sammy Sosas, and Jason Giambis of the world, but it also includes any of the perceived good guys. For instance, if Junior Griffey ( a personal favorite) cheated, I'd say kick him out for good. I'll go on the record as saying that I don't think that's the case, but the point I'm making is that I say nobody is excused for cheating.

Pete Rose was my baseball hero. And I cared deeply that he was banned by Giamatti. I defended him to anyone who would listen. I believed him when he said he didn't break the rules. But he did. And he made it worse by lying to me about it. No amount of contrition now, makes up for betraying my trust then. If I was a Hall of Fame voter, and held the swing vote (if somehow he became eligible) he'd get the thumbs-down from me. If I were Commissioner, every single last living-loving one of the players who have ever-even-once taken steroids (read: any performance enhancing drugs...banned/not-banned/frowned upon, etc.) would be purged in every regard from professional baseball. Ditto for every manager, coach, trainer, executive, or owner who actively or passively condoned the behavior.

MLB is not a game anymore. And until there's some recognizable purity to the competition and record books, they can just count me out.

To you, Major League Baseball, I say fuck you. To A-rod, you get today's Flush-O-Gram.

Barney the Fascist

Barney the Frank.

Seriously, cocksucker. Do you ever say some of the shit out loud in private, just to see how inane it sounds...before slobbering it publicly?

You were quoted as saying this (yesterday?) to one of the financial CEOs who are appearing before the Senate. I keep waiting for one of them to shoot back at you how ironically, absurdly comical it is that you are in a position of authority regarding the fucked-up state of the economy. Talk about the inmates running the asylum.

The point you were making is that the folks running these companies should abdicate the leadership of their companies to you, so that you could decide who earns what and why in those companies? But they should remain close by to remind you of how your hairbrained ideas might indeed fuck things up worse? So that, at least, if things turned around at the new Democratically Operated Company which was formerly known as Company X, you could bask in the credit? You could sound the clarion about Socially Controlled Economy! You could laud the benefits of Spreading The Wealth!

You said:

"They have to convince people that they've learned enough from the mistakes
they've made so that we can work together going forward with them not in the
driver's seat, but inevitably playing a role so we can fix things."

And I say, here's today's Flush-O-Gram Barney the Frank. Do not think I've forgotten your prominent role in how FannieMae went tits-up.

Delivered fresh to you...my turds. Please chew with your mouth closed.

Sucking sucks!

1st installment, woo-hoo!

• The inaugural daily flush-o-gram goes out to Shuhshevski.

• Here, he is seen simultaneously hiding his face and suppressing a smile, because his players (notably Kyle Singler and Gerald Henderson) are thugs, which is embarrassing on one level, but but also very much in line with what he teaches to his players.

• Everyone saw Singler elbow Tyler Hansbrough, and deservedly get a technical foul for it. He should have gotten the thumb. Singler was quoted today as saying, "I was trying to dislodge the ball." Uh, no asshole...the ball was nowhere near your cheap-shot elbow or your hands.

• On the other hand, not everyone caught Henderson's maneuver. At 34.9 seconds remaining in the game (see if you recognize the trend with Henderson and late-game situations where his team is getting thumped), standing next to Hansbrough on the right side of the lane during a Duke free-throw miss, Henderson hooks his right arm under Hansbrough's left elbow and punches him in the chest, slamming Tyler to the court.

• To the naysayers who would suggest that a puss-boy like Henderson could not throw Hansbrough on his ass, I'd tend to concur...if they're both wrestling. But one of them was playing basketball, while the other was committing assault. It's much easier that way.

• I could be wrong about the smile in the picture. This could be where he's thinking ahead to that post-game shower he'll be enjoying with Scheyer and Paulus.

Shuhshevski, this FOG is for you and your punk-ass program. It's a squishy one, with some popcorn husks (from the extra buttery Orville Redenbacker I had while savoring your 4th straight home beat-down from this senior class). Enjoy it, Ratface!